David was going to tell you if I didn't. And, I've been there more than once.

Without further adieu, here's the sad story.

This might blow my "image", but I've been sewing froofy, fringie, fancy-schmancy pillows (June Cleaver is back!). The kind that cost a lot of money in the stores. And, after fruitlessly driving all over North Texas looking for the right size pillow "guts", a few weeks ago I decided to try Wal*Mart.

While I was in America's Largest Killer of Small Business, a big electrical storm came through Mo'Kinney. I didn't know this, of course. While waiting in the self-checkout behind an incredibly slow woman with a large order of school supplies, every light in the store went out!

It sounded like this:

Boop

Boop

...

Boop

BLAMMO!

(collective consumer storewide GASP, in complete darkness)  

Boop

Boop

Seems America's Retail Giant has their priorities straight. Every light in the store may be out, but the cash registers are on some huge UPS, ensuring that money can be raked in even in the most adverse of circumstances!

The flourescent lights kicked in dimly.

Boop

Boop

"Please, Dear Lord, let the UPS hold out until we can buy our Great Value brand marshmallows, substandard Olsen Twins apparel, and John Deere tractor-themed melamine dishes," we all prayed silently.

"Even moreso, Dear Lord, please let the power be on at home so that the Blue Bell premium ice cream in the new "Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!" flavor will have a safe freezer home, lest we have to eat it all right now!"

The incredibly slow lady in front of me feeds over $115 in cash into the self-checkout money grabber while her teenage children drool on themselves in a sheer boredom coma. Some of her money won't go into the machine and so they all grapple with the money, trying this way and that.

The lights gradually grow dimmer. The cash registers keep booping. We all stand there like dumb cows. Would a fire even get us to leave our carts full o'briskets and Little Debbie snack cakes?

The only acknowledgement by management is an announcement over the PA system, "All Wal*Mart associates, please locate your flashlight if you have one."

I manage to self-scan my pillow guts and pancake syrup, self-bag my goods, and self-run to my car.

It's pouring outside, and the parking lot lights are not on UPS. It's pitch-black and I run to where I think my car is - wrong. Dodging lightning, I dash through the parking lot, find the car and jump in, soaked.

As I drive off, I see the big sign on the front of the store, only tonight it flashes furiously, "    *Mart"

Boop

Boop