Please don't tell David, but every year I contemplate (for only the briefest moment) commiting the social faux pas of sending the Christmas form letter.

This thought usually crosses my mind when I am walking through the stationery department in Target, where they sell that adorable holiday laser paper adorned with all sorts of cutesy Boynton-esque artwork.

If you actually do this sort of thing, please rest assured that I actually read your xeroxed newsletters, but you have to admit that you surely don't actually expect the majoity of the recipients of these communications to feel a real connection to you and yours.

It is really hard to write a good, honest communication to so many recipients of varying levels of intimacy. For that reason, the standard Christmas form letter mass mailing tends to be a load of generic hooey. Adding a script-type font, contrary to popular belief, doesn't add any credibility.

Instead of the usual boasting and happy drivel that includes a complete description of your new $75,000 vehicle and how Junior has made the honor roll yet again, imagine how much more interesting such letters would be if we weren't so concerned with holiday happy talk:

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy Holidays!

As usual, we haven't bothered to call you once this year, but here is our annual Christmas mass mailing.

You probably don't really care about what has been going on with us, maybe you don't even remember who we are, but it makes us feel like we have done our part to maintain our friendship with you by sending this letter to you and 75 other people just like you.

It has been another banner year in Brennerworld.

LD has managed to avoid getting suspended this year. We are really proud of her! The beatings are down to a minimum and the neighbors only called CPS on us twice this year. I guess the last time she beat us and got caught, she really learned her lesson! Her probation officer says that she's doing much better than any of his other cases, and that she probably won't be doing any jail time if she keeps up the good work.

David is doing well as always. He's been a little less wrapped up with that Landmark cult, and he's drinking less often too. Call it a record, or maybe a minor miracle, but he hasn't hit me even once this year. We had a little shoving incident, but I can't say that I blame him. At least the police weren't out here again like a year ago last Valentine's Day.

I'm doing great too. I'm in a second twelve-step program now, so those meetings take up a good amount of time. It does keep me off the street though. The latest word is that my eye socket will be as good as new and that we will still be eligible for insurance after a brief waiting period.

Other than that, we've been doing the usual: living well beyond our means, but putting up a good facade. As I write this, our mortgage is three months behind, but at least we have decent cars and a new gas meter so the neighbors can still be envious of us.

Hope your holidays are jolly and that you have a wonderful new year!

The Brenners