Just so you know, it has been over a week since our DSL was disconnected.

David and I have both been through the gamut of emotions, but the one that most often surfaces is the emotion of violence. Yessirree.

I am willing to share the whole story, if you are interested.

Way back in August, we changed our number to a metro number. This means that people in the civilized world can call us for cheap and we can call them for cheap. At that time, I said to Sonofa Bitch Corporation, in about five different languages, "Please make sure that our DSL is not disconnected".

"Hey, if our DSL stands the slightest chance of being disconnected, we don't want to change our number."

"The only thing that matters in the whole wide world is that our DSL isn't disconnected".

"My husband will divorce me if our DSL is disconnected."

Well, guess what? Our DSL was disconnected.

What happened is that they disconnected our DSL. When they changed the number, they didn't transfer the DSL account so after a while of not being paid for it, they cut us off.

Of course, we didn't know that we weren't paying for it. We pay all our bills on line, and we get all the bills charged to our Discover for the Cashback Bonus Award.

They could have been charging us $500 a month for the DSL and we wouldn't have known.

They were kind enough to send us a card stating that they would be disconnecting our DSL, but that was the week after they cut it off. Yay! How timely.

I'm very tired of the whole dial-up thing. I have a brand new fast computer with all the latest software on it, and it is collecting dust. We are using an old notebook computer because it is the only computer we have with a modem.

I've tried everything to get the DSL turned back on. It took a week for them to even undo the damage from the phone number change. I think we will be back up on Monday but I will not hold my breath. I've told them every story that I can think of to expedite our order, short of that we receive vital medications via our DSL connection.

They even tried to tell me that DSL isn't available in our area. Hello! Yes it is, because we had it here until a week ago Sunday just fine. Gaaa!

Anyway, I'm just glad we don't have any puppies to kick in our frustration over this slowness.

Please don't tell David, but every year I contemplate (for only the briefest moment) commiting the social faux pas of sending the Christmas form letter.

This thought usually crosses my mind when I am walking through the stationery department in Target, where they sell that adorable holiday laser paper adorned with all sorts of cutesy Boynton-esque artwork.

If you actually do this sort of thing, please rest assured that I actually read your xeroxed newsletters, but you have to admit that you surely don't actually expect the majoity of the recipients of these communications to feel a real connection to you and yours.

It is really hard to write a good, honest communication to so many recipients of varying levels of intimacy. For that reason, the standard Christmas form letter mass mailing tends to be a load of generic hooey. Adding a script-type font, contrary to popular belief, doesn't add any credibility.

Instead of the usual boasting and happy drivel that includes a complete description of your new $75,000 vehicle and how Junior has made the honor roll yet again, imagine how much more interesting such letters would be if we weren't so concerned with holiday happy talk:

Dear Friends and Family,

Happy Holidays!

As usual, we haven't bothered to call you once this year, but here is our annual Christmas mass mailing.

You probably don't really care about what has been going on with us, maybe you don't even remember who we are, but it makes us feel like we have done our part to maintain our friendship with you by sending this letter to you and 75 other people just like you.

It has been another banner year in Brennerworld.

LD has managed to avoid getting suspended this year. We are really proud of her! The beatings are down to a minimum and the neighbors only called CPS on us twice this year. I guess the last time she beat us and got caught, she really learned her lesson! Her probation officer says that she's doing much better than any of his other cases, and that she probably won't be doing any jail time if she keeps up the good work.

David is doing well as always. He's been a little less wrapped up with that Landmark cult, and he's drinking less often too. Call it a record, or maybe a minor miracle, but he hasn't hit me even once this year. We had a little shoving incident, but I can't say that I blame him. At least the police weren't out here again like a year ago last Valentine's Day.

I'm doing great too. I'm in a second twelve-step program now, so those meetings take up a good amount of time. It does keep me off the street though. The latest word is that my eye socket will be as good as new and that we will still be eligible for insurance after a brief waiting period.

Other than that, we've been doing the usual: living well beyond our means, but putting up a good facade. As I write this, our mortgage is three months behind, but at least we have decent cars and a new gas meter so the neighbors can still be envious of us.

Hope your holidays are jolly and that you have a wonderful new year!

The Brenners

...the last person I want representing me is Mark Geragos.

I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but I've been following the Scott Peterson trial all along and quite frankly, I think I could have done a better job myself.

Let me preface this tidbit of opinion by stating that I don't know if he did it or not, and I am not questioning the verdict.

First of all (and perhaps this was covered and we just didn't hear it on CourtTV), Scott Peterson never meant to carry on a meaningful, lasting relationship with Amber Frey. He didn't off Laci so that Amber could take Laci's place.

A man who plans on making a life with a woman doesn't tell lies to her that will come back to bite him later.

He may have longed for the single life, but he was not longing to be Amber's husband.

He may have been nice to her kid, but it wasn't because he was going to be "daddy".

Say that Scott actually made his relationship with Amber public following a suitable period of time following Laci's disappearance. How would he keep Amber from bringing up those fictional trips to Kennebunkport that he bragged about? The trip to Paris? She may mention those trips at dinner at the Peterson home, and everyone would say, "Huh?!?" What about his buddies Francois and Pasqual? Why don't they ever call? So the only real way for Scott to maintain a relationship with Amber would be to confess to being a complete liar.

I remember back in 7th grade, I fibbed to a schoolmate about our family having a swimming pool. I had no idea that she would become my best friend of many years. Before she came over the first time, I had to confess to her that I had lied about the pool. Otherwise, she'd be asking what the heck I was talking about.

If I were dating a guy who was flitting about the globe and spending holidays in Kennebunkport, I would be resentful when all the subsequent holidays were spent in Modesto or Fresno, or other farming towns in California's central valley.

If it were me, I'd be ticked, and I would start a big fight about it.

And that is how Amber Frey cannot be the motive for Scott killing Laci.

Black Forest ham doesn't taste anything at all like Black Forest cake.

So just what is the connection?