I cannot remember a time since adolescence when I didn't think I was fat. Perhaps it was to my detriment that I befriended a "skinny" girl in what is now called "middle school".

Kim was very thin, and naturally so, perhaps a size one or three. Her mother was the same. They weren't toned or cardiovascularly superior, in fact they both smoked (as did I), but they were never people who I would term "robust".

Anyway, looking back at pictures of me, I think how nice it would be to be that size again. But, would I want to have the same mindset again? Heck no. I can honestly say that although I can, in retrospect, see myself as normal in size, I was in the same prison then as I am now.

I used to have dreams where my body switched rapidly back and forth from a bloated, thick figure to a thin figure, almost like a pulsing, blinking neon. This distortion of self began in high school, I would guess, and was very confusing.