Today, my dear friend messaged me regarding her harried lunch hour. I hate that so many of us women are caught up in the vicious circle of eating mindgames, yet I find some comfort in having company, someone to talk with about such things.

Until I started writing in this section of Brennerworld, I don't think this friend and I had really talked too much about weight. But really, it is that rhinocerous in the middle of the room, the one everyone ignores.

Following is the edited chat log. The italics are my own "enlightened" two cents added after the fact, and were not part of the chat session.

JANE65: I had to return a movie to "The Red Box". It's a DVD rental box outside of McD's and is only $1/night. Anyhoo...I returned it and got a whiff of french fries. That was my first mistake.

What, smelling food that you enjoy is a big mistake? I think your first mistake, my first mistake, took place years ago. Was the first mistake going on that first diet? Or was the first mistake us believing that our bodies were defective and needed to be changed? 

JANE65: The next thing I know...I'm driving off eating a cheeseburger happy meal, french fries, a Diet Coke and last but of course, not least!

JANE65: A small chocolate shake.

Whenever I've been in this situation, it seems that a small "failure" blows the day. Not that having some fries (or any other food, really) constitutes a failure other that a failure to deprive onesself of something they want. So if I am going to get the fries, I may as well get the cheeseburger and the drink that comes with it, plus a chocolate shake. I've already blown it, right?

Furthermore, the whole happy meal/value meal concept is ridiculous. These meals are a great value for the restaurants, but not for us. They sell more high profit margin foods (especially the soft drinks, which cost them a few cents) and meanwhile they condition you that ordering lunch is a mindless task: Sandwich fries coke, Sandwich fries coke... and then let's add on the mindless "supersizing" for a mere 49 cents more. 49 cents for food you don't really have room for, and after the first few bites you won't taste it anyway. It's mindless cramming.

And, we are teaching our children the same thing by buying them these happy meals.

We dieters know that while having a happy meal is not necessarily the ideal lunch, the guilt and self-abuse which follows is much milder than if we had purchased an adult meal.

JANE65: FF and chocolate shakes are the BEST BABY!

BrennerWorld: Did you dip the fries in the shake?

JANE65: I did.

This is a strange concept to my husband. I just wanted to share that.

JANE65: I'm joking around but I really felt guilty afterward. Like, why didn't I eat healthier? Why didn't I at least pick a grilled chicken sandwich or just forget the chocolate shake all together?

JANE65: It's so damn good!

BrennerWorld: I will say you probably didn't get the chicken sandwich because you wanted a burger.

JANE65: Not really. I wanted fries

JANE65: I didn't want a lot and I HATE chicken nuggets!

JANE65: So...I got a cheeseburger happy meal. Not a Big Kids meal - just the Happy Meal.

BrennerWorld: Why didn't you just get the fries if you wanted fries?

JANE65: That's where the guilt comes in! WHY!?

Hmmmm... I know why I don't usually pick the grilled chicken sandwich anymore. Because it doesn't taste as good as the burger. And it usually costs more at the fast food restaurant. And why didn't you forget the chocolate shake? I know it is hard for me to forget the "good tasting" part of the meal.

What I am learning at the tender age of 41 is that I can eat whatever I want. Normal people do that. And if they do that for a period of time, and listen to what their body craves, then they will look normal. It is the mindless starving, depriving, fast-food mentality stuffing that is causing us to be fat.

If french fries are what you wanted, you could get fries. That may not be a "legitimate" meal by drive-through restaurant standards, but if that is what your body wants, there is no harm. You could even add a chocolate shake to your fries and as long as you stopped when you were full, you would likely do your body no harm.

JANE65: I didn't even enjoy the burger but you know I ate it!

JANE65: Stupid.

BrennerWorld: If you bought it and didn't want it and wised up afterwards, you could have thrown it away

JANE65: Right again.

JANE65: But I didn't. Because that is wasting food and 50 starving African children could eat for a week off that one burger!

JANE65: :-!

BrennerWorld: And how much was it?

JANE65: The entire meal was $2 and some change

I smoked for a long time. I would say that I was addicted to cigarettes and smoked compulsively. I "quit" several times before it "stuck".

One of the things that I had read, and found to be very true in practice, is that everytime a smoker outlasts a craving, the next craving will be that much weaker. So if you crave a cigarette every seven minutes and you resist, the next craving will come at ten minutes... fifteen minutes... two hours... etc.

I wonder if compulsive eating is the same. If I can get through it tonight, will it be a little easier tomorrow, as long as I don't do it again?

What is the difference between cigarettes and food in that regard?

Did I actually ask that? Am I actually able to differentiate after months of trying to listen to my body, eating from mouth hunger vs. eating from stomach hunger?

Crap, who knows. The roast is still in the fridge so the night isn't over yet.

There isn't one.

I used to be associated with an organization for people with fairly high IQs. You would think that if behavior was driven by intelligence, that this organization would be full of successful, wealthy, healthy, socially talented, attractive people. It wasn't then and I'm sure it still isn't.

There were quite a few obese people in the group, plenty of unemployed and underemployed, tons (literally) of social outcasts. Many were relationship-challenged. Some hadn't familiarized themselves with hygiene. Some had alcohol and drug addictions.

Then there were those who were delightful and charming people who fit in fine and even excelled at their jobs.

But overall, there seemed to be plenty of overweight people with IQs in the top two percent. How could they not know how to lose weight? Or that being fat is bad for your health and for your love life?

Stupid smart people. I hope they catch on soon!

It's almost 11:00 p.m. and I'm the only one up. I'm not really ready for bed, I've got a lot of thoughts rolling around my head. Lord, please don't let this be one of those nights where I never go to bed.

Some sort of stimulation seems to be in order.

I considered some toffee liqueur. We've got a large bottle taking up room in the fridge. I auditioned it by setting it upon the counter, but it didn't make the cut. So back it goes, taking up room where a warehouse-sized ketchup bottle would be better served.

I considered some rum and ginger ale. No, that really doesn't seem right either. The ginger ale part is working well for me though.

So since starting to write this, mere minutes have passed and the gnawing has begun. Something to eat. Something to chew and swallow. I really don't care if it is carbs or protein, or just fat. Cheese sounds good, as does some of the leftover roast.

I am having a hard time equating the eating feelings with being disgusting. This idea was recently presented to me, but I am not buying it. While I feel disgusted when I see myself in the mirror, I do not feel disgusting when I am eating.

If I were to get out the roast or some cheese and eat some, I would feel (as sick as it seems to even type this) loved and cared for. That is what my head is saying right now anyway. If I were to eat, it wouldn't really be that bad for me, after all I was so good today. Just like every other day, until the night comes and the gnawing feeling overcomes my willpower.

David equates being fed to being loved and cared for as well. Funny, I don't see it as sick when he reacts that way. I guess it is because it is okay for a person without a weight issue to have a love of food. But when I make food for David, or have his dinner ready when he comes home, I know that he feels love from me.

So is food love? Is love food?

Sunday, I had an urge for some steak.

We had recently discovered that Golden Corral, a large all-you-can-eat buffet chain restaurant, serves steak. All you can eat steak, and it was actually very good. So, for the second Sunday in a row, we went to Golden Corral for steak.

Also on Golden Corral's buffet is almost every "illegal" food that exists. Mac and cheese. Corn and butter. Fried chicken, fried zucchini, fried fish, fried okra. Cookies, cakes of chocolate and lemon and carrot. Banana pudding. Ice cream, with various toppings. At the far end of the restaurant, an isolated no-man's land of salad, soup and baked potatoes. All for about $10.

Both times we've visited Golden Corral, I've fully intended to get only the steak and perhaps a piece of fried chicken, and stop when no longer hungry. But I haven't. After all, that wouldn't be worth a whole $10. So both times, I've eaten past full.

Some people have opinions of those who frequent buffets. I read a Las Vegas message board, and of course Las Vegas is the buffet capital of the world. There were many comments on buffet etiquette (or lack thereof), that buffets were for gluttons. On another board, Texas based, someone said that they hated buffets because all the fat people were depressing.

I never feel financially comfortable. There's something inside me that doesn't want to pay too much for things - be it a buffet or a house. Do. Not. Get. Taken.

When we were in Las Vegas at the end of last year, we ate at a buffet restaurant every morning. I didn't overeat like I did at Golden Corral, though. The only difference that I can see is that in Las Vegas, I knew my next breakfast was going to be at a buffet. I didn't have to eat it all now because I could get whatever it was I wanted on the next visit.

I've applied that logic to so many other foods since starting Overcoming Overeating, and those foods now cause me very little concern. Ice cream, once an obsession, is no longer a demon. Same with cheese. Two of my favorite foods, now "legalized" and I don't have to give them up. I even buy some pricey habanero cheese at Costco just for me!

Believe it or not, I think the answer is to eat at Golden Corral a little more often. I need to know that I can go back whenever I want for more steak. I have to take the thrill out of it. It's got to be okay to have a little piece of steak and a little piece of fried chicken for $10 if that is what makes me happy.

I feel like eating, specifically bingeing, at very predictable times.

In the mornings, I am not tempted to eat when I'm not hungry. I rarely get the urge to eat a big breakfast. The idea of a diner-style breakfast with bread product, meat product plus eggs makes me feel ill. Plus, for the last couple of years I have taken thyroid medication which requires that I not eat for an hour after taking, so I can give more thought to what I want to eat in the morning.

Times when I do feel like eating include late night, or nighttime if I have had alcohol drinks. Another time I want to eat is the middle of the night. If I wake up, immediately my mind turns to food, specifically a bowl of cereal with either soy or rice milk.

Last night was worse than usual. I think it may have been my worst binge ever. I'd had some rum and Diet Coke while browsing internet sites and doing a little writing. I didn't have that much though, nothing over the top.

At some point the "binge switch" was tripped. I had a craving for eggs, so I cooked two and added some cheese. With that, I had a thinnish slice of toasted homemade cheddar onion bread. Almost immediately following that, I had some leftover chili con queso with some tortilla chips. Then, I had some ice cream.

The amount of food and calories that I consumed in that short amount of time was likely less than the average "American-style" restaurant meal (Friday's, Bennigan's, Denny's, etc.). Yet, for me, it was as though my stomach was filled to overbrimming. When I laid down to try to sleep, I had possibly the worst case of reflux ever. I felt like everything I ate was going to come back out the way it went in. Imagine a spilled soda bottle on its side. That was how I felt.

In retrospect, I think what triggered this binge was that I didn't eat what or when I wanted at all yesterday. I didn't eat at all until dinner time. I fed LD her breakfast, took care of LD when David when to the office and then cooked lunch for them later. I didn't eat at lunch because I planned to go to the gym after David got home and I had fed them. I won't go the gym immediately following a meal.

When I got home from the gym, I was hungry, but we were expecting a visitor so I wanted to either be in the shower (and out of view) or at least clean, so I put off eating.

Finally, when the coast was clear for me to eat, it was dinnertime so I just made a very rushed dinner of leftovers and salad for everyone and ate what I made for them (but less). It was my first food of the day and my meal was about being an example for LD (large salad, vegetables, small entree) and being the manners enforcer rather than fulfilling my hunger. Yes, these were foods I enjoy but I didn't have breakfast or lunch, and I didn't feel taken care of. At all. And not that David and LD are expected to take care of me, but I didn't take care of me.

So I supposed that could have contributed to the binge. At the end of the evening, I was all by myself, just me and the food. And notice, during my binge, not a vegetable in sight!

Being addicted to food is horrid. Yes, I am sure there are bigger nightmares in the world, but as far as commonplace afflictions, I think this has to be one of the worst.

Many "normal" people are quick to assume that overweight people are merely big, fat, stupid slobs with no self-control whatsoever. I've heard people say, "Quit crying and put down the fork" as a solution to the weight problems of others.

For a food addict, putting down the fork is about as easy as it is for the heroin addict to put down the needle. Many people are more sympathetic toward the heroin addict. At least heroin addicts are not usually fat.

Do people really think that it never occured to us to put down the fork or to eat less?

Food addicts come in small, medium, and large sizes. The small and medium-sized food addicts usually slip under society's judgemental radar because they are thin and therefore to be envied, or average in weight and therefore are normal. But, the only difference between the fat food addict and the thin food addict is the quality of their purging.

I had a very good friend who worked out regularly, looked great, and attracted a lot of attention from men. Undoubtedly many women would have done almost anything to look like her. Would they feel the same if they knew that every night after work, she drove through three different fast food restaurants and binged in her closet, while she cried? Would they feel the same if they knew that she vomited this food back up and also took laxatives daily?

Many people might have sympathy for this attractive woman. And, in spite of these issues (and I say issues because no one with a food disorder doesn't have other issues to go along with the food problems), men were interested in her. She did look good.

Now imagine an obese person driving through three fast food restaurants, and then binging in the closet. Do you think there is any sympathy for that person?

No. They should just put down the fork. Right? After all, someday it will dawn on all the fat people that society hates them and it is very easy to be normal or even slender, and all they have to do is stop eating so much. Then they'll become thin and all their problems will be resolved.

Someone ought to write a book on that, they'll be rich.

I cannot remember a time since adolescence when I didn't think I was fat. Perhaps it was to my detriment that I befriended a "skinny" girl in what is now called "middle school".

Kim was very thin, and naturally so, perhaps a size one or three. Her mother was the same. They weren't toned or cardiovascularly superior, in fact they both smoked (as did I), but they were never people who I would term "robust".

Anyway, looking back at pictures of me, I think how nice it would be to be that size again. But, would I want to have the same mindset again? Heck no. I can honestly say that although I can, in retrospect, see myself as normal in size, I was in the same prison then as I am now.

I used to have dreams where my body switched rapidly back and forth from a bloated, thick figure to a thin figure, almost like a pulsing, blinking neon. This distortion of self began in high school, I would guess, and was very confusing.

First of all, what it is:
Overcoming Overeating is a book by authors Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter. It is a book about eating, and learning to live with one's own body, whatever size it may be. It is about eating what you want. It is about living normally. It is about freedom from the misery of compulsive overeating. It is controversial. It takes effort and a bit of faith.

What it is not:
It is not a diet book. It is not an exercise book. It is not a proponent of calorie counting, low carb, high carb, South Beach or Atkins. It is not even so much about losing weight, as it is about eating normally.

I found this book towards the end of 2005. After watching an episode of Intervention on A&E where a compulsive overeater was featured, I went searching on the internet for some sort of solution. It was then that I happened upon this book.

I was headed towards a gastric procedure known as Lap-Band at the time, but I knew in my heart that a physical food barrier would not make me a happy person. In my heart, all I wanted was to be normal.

This is the first method I've encountered that offers the hope of normalcy, rather than the promise of success or failure based solely on my level of obsession, be that obsession with food restriction, exercise, or 12-step groups. Or even all three!

Now, before I get flamed, if any of the above work for you, then great. I've even had temporary success with each of the above. I also have experienced misery with each of the above.

My purpose in blogging this experience is to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and how they affect my eating. It is also my hope to find others out there who may be looking into this "program" (for lack of a better word) and to perhaps share experiences.

There is a Yahoo Groups community for Overcoming Overeating, but I find the Yahoo thread setup to be maddening and completely frustrating. Also, I did not seem to have the same feelings as many in that group. Perhaps I am the odd one out but I just didn't seem to have many "issues" to discuss. Perhaps I haven't done enough soul-searching but then again I'm not going to expend a lot of effort looking for negative things that don't really want to come up.

So anyway, it is my hope to come here regularly and share these feelings with whomever wants to read them. And anyone can leave a comment if they'd like, it can be supportive or not. Anyone who knows me knows I don't mind a good debate from time to time.

So there's my intro!